Control

Part Two

Among the most destructive attitudes in marriage according to my pastor’s wife is the drive—whether you are the husband or the wife—to always get your way, to win arguments at any cost, or to control your spouse. She teaches that both partners are accountable to fight for the marriage, not to dominate it. If not dealt with, this mindset will erode and destroy the foundation of what could be a good, solid, and satisfying lifelong relationship for both individuals.

The quest to control a relationship, however, is not unique to husbands and wives. While I was a teacher, I had a ringside seat to the human drive for dominance over others. During my thirty-two years as an educator, I watched as boys, girls, and teens positioned and maneuvered for control over their peers (and sometimes their teachers!) in every grade I taught, from second through ninth.

Winners and losers in the power game unfortunately continue to emerge—without anyone giving it a second thought—throughout society, with both genders, at every age, among all races and ethnicities, and indeed, even among Christians. This desire to be right, to be better than others, to be top dog, is so prevalent that we don’t even blink an eye when we observe it. Strategies are employed to ensure that “I” come out on top and that “I” craft a winning persona. Little thought is ever given to the ones who may be hurt or destroyed so that “I” can secure “my” rightful place as the best, the brightest, the prettiest, the funniest, or the most powerful of all.

And here’s where it gets really weird. We can sometimes cop the same attitude with God! Have you ever caught yourself viewing Him as an accessory to your own success? OUCH! Have you ever spent time in prayer declaring to God how you will become the most anointed, most beloved, most amazing, most prosperous person this generation (or church) has seen? These attitudes very likely originate from the same place that playground “pecking orders” come—from the drive to rise above others so you can get the recognition and success you feel you so “rightfully deserve”.

Such desires are not birthed by the Holy Spirit and are not in accordance with the heart of God. That’s why when such praying is not actualized, it is due to God’s love for the one seeking the “bump up”. It’s His will to form Christ within all of us—in our thinking, attitudes, desires, and behaviors. He refuses to undermine His supreme purpose for our lives by handing out superficial success—like a genie—to anyone who craves or demands it.

Think about this: when one partner in a marriage refuses to be a doormat to the other—while at the same time remaining faithful to his or her vows to love, honor, and cherish—the lust for control is met head on. Despite the accusations of the demanding partner to the contrary, the husband or wife who lovingly refuses to be manipulated or controlled is actually walking the love walk.

In my Christian walk, if I do not yield my frustration and anger to God when things don’t go my way and allow Him to redirect me, then I just might strike out in vengeful self-righteousness at anyone who I perceive as standing in my way. In my desire to be in control, I may stop at nothing—including ruining the reputation of others—to justify my indignation at not getting my way.

When God does not help me to fulfill my driving desire to have my way, however, it is truly a wonderful opportunity for me to reassess my personal motives and methods. He doesn’t condemn me for being a control freak; instead, He lovingly reproves, corrects, and redirects me. At this point, if I yield to His grace and seek His will (not mine), I can patiently anticipate rising up in His timing to fulfill all that He has ordained for me to fulfill.

Neither bullying control nor nagging harping are endorsed by the Word of God for marriage—not for husbands, nor for wives. And when it comes to my relationship with God, I have a choice to make. Will I yield to Him and joyfully embrace and take part in His precepts and purposes for my life OR will I petulantly insist on my own plan and nag Him incessantly to do what I think He should do throughout the rest of my time on this planet?

The choice is up to each individual.

• It is dangerous and it will turn out badly for you to keep kicking against the goad [to offer vain and perilous resistance].  Acts 9:5b, Amplified Bible

 

• I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live.  Deuteronomy 30:19, Message Bible

 

• …in order to live the remaining time in the flesh, no longer for human desires, but for God’s will.  1 Peter 4:2, Holman Christian Standard Bible

May God bless and help you as you daily yield control of your life and will to God.

Dorothy